If You’re Not Willing To Suffer Loss Then Love Isn’t For You.

You can help soothe the transition through frequent communication.

Love takes a chance at loss. 

Love is a story about loss.

Love understands that some of its losses are heart wrenching, while others bring the joy of something new.

Making a change to motherhood is a loss of a life you previously identified with. 

Making a change from only having to worry about yourself to that of a spouse or family is a loss of independent decision making.

Though we celebrate these new beginnings, sometimes we feel guilty in seemingly happy moments because we are mourning the things that once were.

You often go through these emotions alone, how can you put in to words that one of the happiest moments of your life is also one of the scariest or even eerily sad? 

You’ve never had to be this version of yourself. You don’t even know what this version of yourself looks like. What if you suck at it?

You’re allowed to have those thoughts. You’re allowed to mourn. You’re allowed to feel a sense loss. All of these life experiences the old, the new; they all contribute in developing the person you are right now. They don’t diminish the excitement of the new experiences. No, they help you to appreciate them more fully.

Love is an action you chose to step forward in, though uncertain, not a feeling to stay stagnant through.

Love isn’t about us at all, but we make it more about ourselves than we know.

We tell ourselves it’s about how much positive emotion we can pour into someone. It’s about how much of ourselves we can give to them, about the sacrifices we’ve made, because we want them to feel good, and — we want to feel good.

It’s a measuring tool used, so that one day we can calculate the amount of pain, hurt, or suffering we’re allowed when they disappoint or leave us.

Let me see, I showed you this amount of love, so I’m justified in harbouring this amount of resentment.

Love keeps no score.

Love takes a chance at loss.

Love says even if I only have a minute, week, or year with you it’s worth it.

I want to take a chance at life with you through the joys, and miseries. I’m willing to see the ugliest side of you, and I’m willing to let you see the ugliest side of me. 

The person you met, the person you married, the child you birth isn’t going to be the same forever.

They will probably radically disappoint you at least once in your life, if you’re lucky enough.

You will lose the person you once knew to change, but you can help save your relationship by trying to understand their thoughts and feelings through frequent communication. In this way you won’t wake up to find a total stranger, but you’ll be aware of the shift happening within them.

The key to not growing apart from each other is having conversations about what’s going on in your head.

The late best selling authour Myles Munroe, spoke about the dangers of having a reason for loving someone. The minute you say I love you because, you put conditions and expectations on the person. It’s almost a guaranteed recipe for disaster, the moment they don’t fulfill your requirements you start feeling like, I dunno it’s just not the same anymore, you know? Admiring traits about a person is different than admiring what they can do for you, or how they make you feel.

You should love because you made a conscious decision.

You should love because that specific person was created and there is no one else like them in the world.

You should love in such a way that the person you love feels free- Thich Nhat Hanh

It’s Not About The Cheesecake 

I was having lunch at my place one weekend, and a good friend of mine was driving into town for a visit.

She came up to my apartment proudly announcing that she made my favourite; cheesecake.

“Great” I said, “let’s put it in the fridge, I don’t know if I’ll have a piece because I’m trying to go vegan.”

She abruptly had somewhat of a meltdown about my new found hipster vegan ways, and inability to eat the cheesecake.

At the time I couldn’t understand what the big deal was, but we’ve since frequently talked about the incident combing through our different emotions. It wasn’t until years later that I was able to understand how she felt- I’m vegetarian now by the way.

It wasn’t about trying to be vegan or not eating the cheesecake per se that upset her. It was the fact that all of the changes I was going through seemed sudden. There was no transition from thought, idea to action. It left her feeling like a stranger in my life, for someone she talked to almost every day.

It seemed like such a small issue but this is what happens in our relations. 

They go hand in hand.

Your partner may not tell you how they feel, and you may not be open to hear what they have to say without casting judgement; youmay not accept what they say, or you may not validate what they say, which then perpetuates the cycle of growing apart.

Communication, active communication is a loss. You have to forget about what you’re thinking in your head, forget about the distractions around and concentrate. You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying, you just have to listen, actively listen. That’s hard work.

Love doesn’t coerce.

Love doesn’t manipulate.

Love doesn’t stop when it faces loss. Loss could come in the form of death or illness. Loss could come in the form of the person changing. Loss could come in the form of the person making different life choices than you wanted for them. Loss could come in the form of physical space or distance.

When you love, you say. I choose to love you for the time I have with you, whether a minute, day, or year. 

We may grow apart, but that’s not want I want. I’ll be open about what I’m feeling and receptive to yours.

Life will bring adversity and break us repeatedly. I want to go through those adversities being close to you. 

I don’t think that as humans we are completely 100 percent capable of loving unconditionally. I think we strive for it, and want to believe that we can. That’s what makes romance, that’s how we really learn selflessness. We want to spend the rest of our lives trying to give this person, show this person, love.

Whether you’re a Mother, lover, or wife. If you’re not willing to suffer loss then love isn’t for you. You can help soothe the transition through frequent communication.

Love is a risk, a risk worth taking, and I’m so sorry that you’ve suffered loss — no buts.

One Reply to “If You’re Not Willing To Suffer Loss Then Love Isn’t For You.”

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